Ordinary Kate

It's awful. Truly unthinkable.

Kate Middleton, who for some inexplicable reason is referred to almost always by her maiden name, doesn't at present have a nanny for Prince George when she goes on a tour of Africa with William.

Can you imagine? The 207 year old nanny of Queen Victoria was resurrected so as to be nanny to the young baby prince, but after three months, she needs to return to the afterlife. So the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge face the frankly terrifying prospect of either finding a new nanny, who could potentially not be of the correct vintage, or travelling without a nanny. After all, how could you possibly find the time to wave if there wasn't help with your child?

Rumour has it that she may travel without a dresser also. She clearly thinks she can put on her own clothes, which is positively reckless.

What is the world coming to?

10 uses for children

1. Once children reach a certain age, and before they resent you, they are excellent at fetching things. If you have more than one, they can be persuaded to do menial tasks if you make it a competition.

2. You cannot be judged for purchasing games, toys, or children's music and DVDs.

3. You can opt out of virtually anything with a vague reference to the children or school.

4. You have an excuse to go to Legoland, Disneyland or similar.

5. Small children can say things to people that you'd love to say, but can't.

6. Children can make you laugh constantly. My latest:
Me: curiosity killed the cat you know
Child: which cat?

7. They are an excellent reason not to be able to work.

8. Boredom becomes a thing of the past.

9. You can claim that your encyclopaedic knowledge of Peppa Pig is just because it's on for the children.

10.  It is nice to be told you are the best at everything you do, even if you know the day will come when they think you are the worst at everything you do.

How to please people

Upon greeting a lady who is rotund of stomach, it is always prudent to ask them if they are expecting a baby. Should they not be pregnant, then they will be delighted to know that they look so. Should they in fact be pregnant, then they will undoubtedly be pleased to share that news with you, whoever you are. If in doubt, always ask. You can't go wrong.

Another time when it is a good idea to ask about pregnancy is when talking to a lady about her intention to become pregnant. They are sure to be keen to discuss this, whether it is starting a family or adding to one. They probably in fact want to talk with you about whether they are trying to get pregnant and if there is any reason why they are not.  Mothers of two or more children of the same gender will always chortle along with you when you suggest they will be wanting another one in hope of it being the opposite gender.

When speaking with a mother of a small child, why be boring and compliment their progeny? Far better to observe their less attractive attributes. After all, what mother would want to go through life unaware of their child's failings? Equally important is to emphasise how behind they seem to be in relation to your child/grandchild/cousin/sibling/child you saw on television.They are probably already wondering whether their child should be walking or talking or be fully toilet trained and it would be ever so helpful for you to let them know that yes, their child should be doing whatever it is they are not already doing.

Should you be invited to somebody's home, be assured that they wish you to point out any work that may need doing around their home. Especially if you have had the work already done to your home, they will enjoy hearing all about how lovely your home is as a result.

Sometimes people. for whatever reason, do not go on a holiday during the summer holidays. It is kind of you to share the details of your holiday so that they can live it vicariously through you.

Likewise, sometimes people are not doing things that would clearly make their life better, like move to a bigger house or get their family to babysit more. It is helpful for you to suggest these things to them, they probably won't have ever thought of them and will appreciate your helpful input.

Finally, if someone has upset you, don't tell them. Far better to let them know in subtle ways and hope that they sense your upsetness and ask you what is the matter.

The Taste

There's a new, rather watchable, programme on Channel 4 that is a totally unique format. Nothing like it has ever been before. The judges, or mentors - we'll call them judgementors, sit with their back to the contestant (however did they think of that?) while they taste a spoonful of their carefully prepared food.  Because nobody ever buys food made by an ugly chef, it is important to judge the food without seeing the person who made it. Food changes how it tastes if you don't like the look of the cook, almost always your first impression of anything you eat in a restaurant, so this is clever. Just the taste, and how the food looks. We'll gloss over that last one; they can't see the cooks, right? Clever.

The three chef judgementors then decide whether to ask them to join their kitchen. Should more than one judgementor want to choose a person, the person themselves must decide which chef to go with.

To persuade them, each judgementor uses their wiles to persuade them. Ludo Lefebre smoulders and emphasises how very very French he is. Nigella pouts in the way that only Nigella can, and Anthony Bourdain sits back and relaxes in the knowledge that he is Anthony Bourdain. Each one displays a parody of this behaviour throughout the process until each kitchen has the requisite number of contestants. Some of them are chefs, some are home cooks so they shall presumably collectively be called chooks.  Nigella obviously champions home cooks, her audience and readers. Ludo is perpetually and stereotypically French in his incredulity that anyone who is not a professional chef can make anything more complex than toast. Anthony continues to bask in being Anthony Bourdain,  

Next week the chooks join with the judgementors in their kitchens and, judging from the trailers, do nothing more than cause the judgementors to sigh and shout a lot while making food that's barely edible.  One of them will go home in a episode finale so unheard of it's unbelievable.

Meantime, there's a rumour going round that on Saturday the BBC are doing something similar but with singing. How are they going to taste singing? Just silly.

Regretfully normal

 The top 100 cool baby names for 2013, compiled by someone, somewhere (nameberry, actually):

Adalia

Addison
 
Adelyn
 
Annalie

Asher
 
Astair
 
Astera
 
Atticus

Ayden
 
Beckett
 
Blaise
 
Blaire

Braelyn
 
Cade
 
Cailin
 
Cairo

Cal
 
Callie
 
Calloway
 
Callum

Cameo
 
Cassia
 
Cassian
 
Cato

Cedar
 
Cleo
 
Cora
 
Costa

Daemyn
 
Darius
 
Dayne
 
Denver

Duke
 
Easton
 
Echo
 
Ellison

Ember
 
Emmerson
 
Everett
 
Everly

Ezra
 
Fabian
 
Felix
 
Finn

Fleet
 
Foster
 
Hadley
 
Heath

Hendrix
 
Jace
 
Jagger
 
Jasper

Jayden
 
Jensen
 
Jett
 
Jericho

Jude
 
Juliette
 
Juniper
 
Justice

Kane
 
Kara
 
Kaye
 
Kent

Kimber
 
Lana
 
Layla
 
Leda

Lucien
 
Luna
 
Luthor
 
Lyrica

Macy
 
Marius
 
Marlie
 
Marlo

Matteo
 
Mercy
 
Neo
 
Oakley

Piers
 
Raina
 
Raya
 
Reeve

Remy
 
Ryder
 
Rue
 
Skye

Skylar
 
Shayde
 
Storm
 
Thalia

Thayer
 
Theo
 
Tobias
 
Torrin

Westley
 
Wynter
 
Zaide
 
Zayne

No genders included because, well, it's all subjective isn't it?

According to a survey, many parents regret the names they had chosen for their children. The most regretted names are as follows:

Boys names:

1. William
2. Oliver
3. Jack
4. Alfie
5. Thomas
6. Joshua
7. Daniel
8. Charlie
9. Harry
10. James

Girls names:

1. Chloe
2. Ruby
3. Olivia
4. Emily
5. Grace
6. Jessica
7. Charlotte
8. Evie
9. Sophie
10. Daisy

Obviously, giving your child a name that other people have heard of, know how to pronounce and spell and which doesn't make you stand out for no good reason whatsoever is a bad thing. Who would want to find it easy to give their name? How boring not to have to spell your name every single time. The delight that is being the only person of a given name in any situation so everyone knows it was you. And why would any child ever want personalised items with their name on? Just ludicrous.

The clear solution is for people to cease giving traditional "name" names to their children. All babies can be assigned a series of random characters at birth and be known by that. Then you can assure that your child has a unique name that is more than likely to be impossible to remember, spell or pronounce. Perfect.

Christmas has left the building

Now it is officially over, everyone else is putting Christmas away, which is soooo a couple of days ago. But still.

My Facebook was filled with people liking the following image:

It is shrink wrapped apparently. Easy peasy, neat and tidy, tree all away,

Now, try to imagine actually doing this. Remember what artificial Christmas trees are like. Remember what decorations are like. Combine this with how easy it is to get shrink wrap to wrap something nice and simple like a small bowl. Now multiply those together.

Do you end up with something akin to the above image? Or do you end up with decorations, tinsel, lights and stars all ripping the not sticking properly shrink wrap and you weeping?

I sincerely hope the owner of the above picture leaves it sitting like that in the living room all year.

Slight return

If you wish to shop at Amazon, they're great.

You do however enter into an unspoken agreement with Amazon when you purchase something. You will keep whatever you buy, regardless of quality, for all time, or until you'd like to sell it through Amazon.

Incidentally, you will clearly also wish to buy the same item over and over, or at least numerous very very similar items. Bought a camera? May we recommend cameras for you to peruse? You bought a red kindle cover. Allow us to recommend the yellow, orange, blue and purple ones, and probably the very red one you already bought.

Should you have the audacity to return an item, for any reason, then you have to first complete a number of challenges in order to carry out the return process. Do not contact customer services. Should a representative make contact with a customer, they are immediately fired and all communication destroyed, never to be referred to again. You don't want to have that on your conscience.

You now have the "procuring replacement" lottery to try, should you want one. You may or may not get one, and the price may go up or down at any moment.

If you are returning an item because you had the impudence to dislike something Amazon had lovingly prepared, then you must be penalised. Do not expect to see any of the cost of the item, that belongs to Amazon now.

You could sacrifice a customer service representative, but do not let them end any discourse without evidence that their promised actions have been carried out.

Do not under any circumstances let Amazon decide anything for you. The only time this is in your favour is if you have SHOUTED A LOT and used the words "never" or "play.com" or anything in legalese. Then they may refund a credit card that could even actually be yours.

But as I said, as long as you keep to your end of the bargain and keep whatever you buy, Amazon are great.

On the 10th day of Christmas

In our house, today officially marks the end of Christmas as we have a twin birthday. A time, therefore to reflect upon lessons learned from the festive season just passed.

1) It is not necessary to have a turkey to feed 14 when there are 7 of you. Nor do you need 8 vegetable accompaniments, or all the potatoes.

2) Only meringues cook at gas mark 1. Anyone (I'm looking at you, Delia and Mary) who says you can cook a Christmas cake at this is clearly deluded. Either that or my oven temperature is inaccurate. I prefer to blame the established and much loved TV chefs though. It definitely wasn't the extra brandy either.

3) Hosting both Christmas Day and Boxing Day is lunatic. They invariably happen on consecutive days, the former of which is guaranteed to be very busy, very mess making and generally preceded by a very short sleep.

4) Undertaking to do something each day of advent gets a bit wearing by about the 9th.

5) Saying "we're all skint, let's put a £5 per head cap on presents" does actually cause offence. But has the added benefit of saving rather a lot of money, possibly all of it next year.

Onward to next year. 356 sleeps to go!

Hooray hooray, it's a holi-holiday

The 2nd of January is a holiday. A day of rest, a day of recuperation. It is not a "normal day". No, Asda isn't even open 24 hours, terrifying though that is.

At least you stockpiled three trolley loads for those frantic few hours when there isn't a supermarket open, except for the ones that are.

This only applies to Scotland. Everyone else is back to work today.

Except, oh no. It is a Thursday. Nobody in their right mind goes back to work on a THURSDAY. That's just nonsense. We will go back to work on Monday.

Done. Sorted.

Meanwhile, time to reflect on the fact that you didn't achieve any of the things you planned for 2013 and resolve to do them, or not do them as the case may be, FOR SURE this year. Well, apart from that one last time tomorrow...

Hello there 2014

Fireworks in Edinburgh, courtesy of Evening News.

It's here, the year we've been waiting for since, well, since yesterday at least.

I didn't like 2013 much to be honest. I've been denying it all year by writing 2014 most times instead. Or sometimes 2012, but only 2013 if I really really paid attention. I'm slightly relieved it has passed without any major incident requiring denial.

Come the bells for this year and I was off wishing my Facebook friends a very happy and prosperous 2004. I think I stopped properly recalling the year in 1995.

This blog had greatness planned at five minutes after midnight. For now, we have a blog, we have a post and greatness, along indeed with content of any worth whatsoever, can follow another day.